Hello old friend,
I don’t know where to begin, to pick this blog up again after such a long break away. I can’t quite put my finger on what happened other than to simply say, I fell out of love with my life and found myself in a dark place. I couldn’t write because I was caught in a thick fog. My thoughts were heavy and my creativity dried up. Words failed me; for so long. I stopped taking pictures, and I stopped noticing the beauty in ordinary things. I felt lost and alone and, in all honesty, hopeless. For a long time I denied my feelings even to myself. I assumed this was normal, that this was just how I felt and that life had naturally become more about existing than living. I waded through each day like it was an endurance test and I lay awake in bed at night, unable to sleep yet feeling more exhausted than I’ve ever felt in my life.
It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I looked at my husband across the table and said four words that changed everything; “I think I’m depressed”. And as I spoke those words I surprised even myself – I didn’t know they were going to fall from my mouth even as I spoke them. I’d never felt depressed before, I’d always been a glass half full, happy go lucky kind of woman. I didn’t identify with the person I’d become, and that made it easier to remove her from me. But saying aloud what I knew deep down to be true, unlocked the path to my healing.
So here I am, a few weeks later, feeling thankful I found that courage and grateful to my husband for enveloping me in the most selfless, unconditional love. I’ve pulled myself out of the treacle I was wading in and I’ve started to notice those little things again – the way the light falls on my walls in the afternoon, the smell of my daughters hair, the way a hot cup of coffee feels in my hands. I’ve started to do the things I used to love doing again – paint, write, take walks, tend to the garden. I’ve started to feel like me once more, shedding all the heaviness and darkness and pulling myself into the light. And I am so thankful for that, for this life.
As my mood has slowly lifted I’ve found myself being drawn back here, being pulled to pick up my camera again and start documenting my life in an observational way again. I’ve practised doing more of the things that make me smile and less of the things that fill me with dread. And all the while there’s been growth, so much growth. Knowing myself that little bit better, trusting myself that little bit more, and believing in myself, that I am worthy of happiness and of love. But how do I start it all up again, how do I inspire you to come back and visit me here when I’ve been absent in so long. The only way seems to start just by writing and sharing again and by being myself. To talk about the things that matter to me, that move me and inspire me and to hope that you find something in these words too.
I’ve decided to revive my Month In Pictures series again because I really miss the simplicity of those kind of posts – of documenting everyday moments and collating them into one space. I’ll be sharing each month in 2018 every few days for the rest of the year. I think it will be healing in itself, to look back over what has, undeniably, been the toughest year of my life, to reflect and take stock, for where I’ve been, what our family has been through, and how far we’ve come.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks so much for sticking around xx
If you’re feeling low or think you might be depressed, I encourage you to talk to someone you love and trust and tell them how you feel. Make an appointment with your GP too, they will be able to diagnose you based on your symptoms and your answers to a questionnaire and if they find that you do have clinical depression they will be able to offer you support in a variety of ways, from medication to therapy and support groups. Mental health matters, you are not alone x