I’ve been in a weird place these past few weeks. My anxiety has been through the roof, I’m not sleeping so well and I have so many thoughts whirring around my mind on constant. I long to be able to switch it all off but life and work are busy at present so there isn’t much breathing space to take stock. I know this soon will pass and it’s good to lean into it and allow myself to sit with the feelings rather than fight them.
A large part of my anxiety stems from the sense of grief I feel stepping over the next line in motherhood. Elsie starts at the school nursery in one week, our preschool days are coming to a close and a distinct sense of loss washes over me several times a day when I think of it. Whilst she’ll only be doing afternoons this year I feel like I’m on precious time until she will be in reception and I will no longer have children home with me. When that is all you’ve known, when you’re days have been about mothering so wholeheartedly it’s hard to picture what that will be like and how it will feel. My broodometre is set on high alert lately – a sure fire sign I am not ready at all to let my little girl become a big one. Then I remind myself we have only recently mastered sleeping through the night and my ovaries tighten up!
I suppose this sense of anxiety around school hasn’t been helped by me not giving myself time to just sit with it and think about it. That can be such a healing part of accepting our negative emotions or confusing feelings. It’s a large part of mindfulness – not trying to find a solution or do something about those feelings but instead to allow yourself to just be in them, to sit with them, to digest them and to ask yourself why do I feel this way and to accept it. Often those feelings will pass this way in time.
Life has involved little balance the past weeks. I’ve been running from school to shoot to school and taking little time for myself in between. It’s the curse of being a freelancer – having a feast or a famine of work and never the harmonious equilibrium we all hoped for when we set out to create flexible working for ourselves. I find it impossible to turn work down when I have no idea what next month, or year will bring and so it is that I find myself lying in bed making lists of things I have to do.
I made a fresh batch of calming blend today and it’s helped so much. I come back to it time and time again when my anxiety gets like this. That and a warm bath seem to help so much to ease away the day and soothe me into sleep mode.
I’ll be back to this space soon, once the dust settles. Until then friends x