I am sitting here at the kitchen table, warmed by autumn light. The kind of light that seeps through windows, soft and golden, feeling luminous against your skin. I can see hundreds of tiny dust particles floating through the air, glowing in the shafts. I can see month old sticky handprints on the garden doors and a squashed blueberry on the floor tiles. There are crumbs and spaghetti from last night’s tea at my feet, and a cold cup of tea that was forgotten, up there on the side. My washing machine is whirring round and around on it’s second load of the day. My online grocery basket is 1/2 full, I’ve been darting between that, editing a shoot and writing more things down in my notepad before I forget them. Elsie is upstairs snoozing in her cot. In a few more minutes I will go to wake her, holding her body against mine and singing a gentle song to rouse her from slumber before we leave to pick Raff up.
Life at the moment is like this. Small snippets of time, jobs that often get left unfinished – (like that cup of tea). I am taking the shift into autumn slowly, trying to be present and embrace the moment, rather than hurry each day along. It can be frustrating when you go through periods of what feels like unproductivity. But motherhood is full of things to be done, and we have to remember we are not lazing around doing nothing, even if nothing particularly significant gets done on any given day.
We are almost one month into school life and still adjusting to our new normal. The school gates feel as daunting for me as for him – are we ever quite ready to let go of the precious preschool years? Mostly he’s been happy and smiling, but inevitably there have been moments of reluctance, craving lazy days at home in his pajamas with his mum and a basketful of building blocks. I am trusting that this transition, whilst one of the biggest in his life, will be ok provided he feels loved, secure and reassured. This morning he carried a basket of muddy potatoes to school, his class are creating a shop that sells vegetables as part of their learning this week and he was excited to pick something from our larder cupboard to take in and share with everyone. I couldn’t be prouder as his mum.
The little pockets of time I have in the afternoon with both my kids at home, are sacred now. I’ve been consciously putting technology aside, gathering them together at the kitchen table or on our old rug and letting them lead me in play. Just the other day they found a tiny bird made from playmobil and named her Bonjour. She spoke french and liked to perch on Raff’s shoulder like a parrot might. They do make me laugh with their creative ideas. At breakfast this morning we had requests to paint autumn leaves today, a seasonal activity for our afternoon together, I shall oblige willingly.
To all you mothers out there who feel sometimes you are walking through treacle, who wonder when you’ll get through that list of things to do or who’ve just started out on a school journey, I send you my love. Be kind to yourself, and be patient. It will all be ok, all in good time x